Last week a question went around social media: how do you write platonic affection that won't be read as sexual or romantic? It’s something that nags at many writers, although particularly ace and aro writers struggling to express themselves on the page. The question kept haunting me; I think about this stuff a lot. I came away with four big notes.
1. Allocentric culture has claimed every affection indicator. It’s not just kissing! Holding hands is romantic. Sharing an umbrella? Worrying that you’re sick? All of it. This is powerful, and great in many ways, but suffocating in this one instance. It’s no one person's fault!
But it means some readers will think all affection is sexual and romantic. As a writer, don’t sweat this. It's just going to happen and it's not your fault.
2. In prose writing, you can write interiority. You're inside the character's head. Write about the emotions and feelings of connection as they actually affect you, not superficially, but in the ways they're processed. This will express the ace/aro-ness of it most poignantly.
Think about it like this. Often affectionate touch is described for the sexual gaze.
“His fingertips ran up my collarbone, sending goosebumps up my…”
You know the rest!
That’s because there are conventions for writing sexual intimacy. You can deliberately diverge from that. You can write touch having different effects. How does a bear hug from a friend feel? What wells up in you when you know you're supported? How does platonic affection affect you What’s special? Share that.
3. Use the actual terms. There are times when being explicit helps. Have the character say they’re ace. Have the character think how grateful they are to have this friend. It can be valuable to label identities and relationships for what they are (and aren’t).
4. Have the characters actually discuss what their actions mean. Rather than just describing action and internal reaction, let them put these things into their own context. What did putting a hand on their shoulder mean when you backed them up in an argument with their boss? Characters can talk!
Now, this is unsubtle and can be cloying. I'd hate to do this all the time. I reserve this for when discussion taps into something deeper about the characters. Your mileage will vary.
But when these conversations happen, they're liberating! Finally being able to say you don't like kissing, or you're glad romantic tension is absent, or (lived experience here) that sexual attraction feels like a ridiculous hoax.
Happy writing!